In the Jewish family, when you daughter turns 12 you through her a Bat Mitzvah and when your son turns 13 you through him a Bar Mitzvah so what do you do when your Jewish dog comes of age? You through it a Bark Mitzvah of course! For humans, the Bar Mitzvah commemorates the child’s commitment to Judaism and to follow the commandments of Jewish Law. Before their Bar Mitzvah the children do extensive lessons on the torah to prepare themselves for the ceremony so they will be able to recite an entire passage of the torah. How is a dog able to do all that?

Does the Bark Mitzvah actually take place in a Temple? How do you get the yarmulke on the dogs head? And how do you get the dog to chant the torah? Call me crazy but this seems like bit a pretentious and silly get a life and spend your money on helping a needy family instead of blowing it on a Bark Mitzvah for little Fluffy Fleishman you F*CKIN” LOSER!

NBA star Richard Jefferson was supposed to get married to the lovely former New Jersey Net Dancer Kesha Nicols at New York City’s Manadarin Oriental but seemed to have gotten cold feet. Two hours before the wedding Richard Jefferson told a friend he was not going through with the wedding but no one bothered to tell Kesha Nicols, the guests, or the paparazzi, “Gee, you know that information... really would've been more useful to me YESTERDAY!”

We are always talking about all the F*CKIN” LOSERS in the world and focusing on the bad stuff so I thought I would talk about something good today. Most of America is waiting anxiously for tomorrow’s release of the sixth film in the Harry Potter series, Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince starring Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint and Emma Watson. The latest fantasy-adventure film is based on the popular books by J.K. Rowling. People across America are planning their Harry Potter parties and getting their Hogwarts uniforms dusted off for the big premier of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.

Wow, John Gosselin sure moves fast! Just three weeks after John and Kate Gosselin filed their divorce papers he is out and about in St. Tropez with his hot new 22 year old girlfriend Hailey Glassman, F*CKIN” LOSER! And get this; she is the daughter of Dr. Lawrence Glassman the doctor who performed Kate Gosselin’s tummy tuck yuck! And what happened to Deanna Hummel, the other twenty-something girlfriend of John Gosselin? I guess she was not wild enough for John. Apparently Hailey Glassman is a pretty wild one! She was arrested for possession of hashish and hashish oil in 2005 and is known for being a wild party girl. You have to admit that might be a refreshing change from control freak, Kate Gosselin!

Paris Jackson, Michael Jackson’s 11-year old daughter finally spoke out on her father’s behalf today at the Michael Jackson Memorial at Los Angeles’ Staples Center. A sobbing Paris Jackson was surrounded by support from her aunts Janet Jackson and Latoya Jackson and Michael Jackson’s brothers. She could barely get the words out and said “Ever since I was born, my daddy has been the best father you could ever imagine. And I just wanted to say I love him so much."

I just hope that the media will let Michael Jackson’s children Paris, Prince Michael I and Prince Michael II will let the children grieve in peace. No matter what any of us thought about Michael Jackson three children lost their father on June 25.

Sources are unclear whether or not Michael Jackson is being buried at Forrest Lawn Cemetery, being buried at Neverland Ranch, or a secret location. Many sources think that a decoy casket will be taken to Forrest Lawn Cemetery to deter the media and paparazzi.